Kenapa Tuhan buat macam ni?

Ada waktunya kita dilanda masalah dan sakit jiwa yang keterlaluan, kita tertanya-tanya - kenapa Tuhan buat macam  ni pada kita? Kenapa Tuhan macam tak kesian pada kita - susah hati sampai tak makan, solat pun tak tenang, makan pun tak lalu (which is a good thing, though, if you are trying to lose weight), mandi pun tak berapa nak basah - kenapa?

Cuba kita fikir balik pasal dosa-dosa kita yang lepas, yang berjaya kita lakukan tanpa pengetahuan sesiapa kecuali Dia. LOL. Cuba ingat balik zaman kegemilangan kita memaki-hamun orang lain sesedap rasa tanpa mengetahui hujung pangkal cerita. Cuba ingat jugak waktu-waktu bahagia kita sengaja menyakitkan hati orang lain untuk menyenangkan hati kita. Cuba kenang masa-masa  kita berasa oh hebatnya kita, tak perlu minta maaf pada sesiapa - kerana bongkaknya kita, sudah confirm ada tempat di syurga. Cuba fikir semula betapa dengan Dia kita pernah sombong, berdua-duaan dengan yang bukan hak seolah-olah Tuhan bagi kita special treatment pulak - enjoy dulu hari ini, esok taubat pun tak apa. Cuba selami apa yang orang lain rasa, bila kita pergunakan mereka untuk keseronokan kita. Cuba fahami apa orang lain rasa, bila kita berkeras dengan ego kita sampai menyusahkan semua. Cuba kita kritik diri sendiri - wahai diriku si hamba Allah, banyaknya dosa kita - takkan pernah rugi bukan?

Sebab bila kita sedar diri, tahu tempat kita di mata Dia, faham yang kita bukan sempurna - kita akan bawa diri macam yang sepatutnya. Macam yang selayaknya. Mengerti?

Aku tak perlu canang ke semua penjuru dunia tentang baik buruknya aku. Dia tahu semua. Aku juga tak perlu canang baik buruknya orang lain ke serata semesta, aku bukan Dia. Aku tak perlu judge siapa-siapa (tapi kadang-kadang kalau dah ridiculous sangat, aku buat jugak) sebab syurga neraka bukan aku punya. Dan aku jugak tidak ada minat terhadap apa-apa yang Dia decide untuk timpakan ke atas sesiapa atas dosa mereka yang mana-mana. Aku tidak ada masa.

Selama 27 tahun ini, Allah SWT jaga aku sangat-sangat. Tidak pernah Dia biar aku bersendirian even when all else fails. Sekali pun. Sebab itu aku selalu pesan pada semua, students, kawan, teman karib, saudara sedarah - if Allah SWT is everything you have, darling, you have everything. FAKTA. Kalau pendampingmu hanyalah Allah SWT, engkau sudah ada segala-galanya, sayang.

Heh, sekarang kan Ramadhan? Kalau dah teringat semua yang salah-salah dulu, kalau dah teringat pada siapa yang dosa-dosa itu semua, mintaklah maaf pada yang patut. Tak payah tunggu Syawal pun tak apa, ya abang-abang, adik-adik dan kakak-kakak. Mana tahu matahari esok pun kita tak sempat tengok, kan? Buatnya Allah suruh balik awal - hehe, kan susah? Maafkanlah semua dan mohonlah maaf daripada semua, mari kita jadi umat Muhammad SAW yang sebaik-baiknya. Mesti bahagia.

Hoho, pagi ini aku teruji, kertas exam form 4 lesap tak dapat dikesan. Paper nak mula pukul lapan, gaah!! Rupanya terselit di bawah hidung sendiri, LOL, nasib baik wira-wira Matematik cover dulu. Kalau tidak, mungkin sudah kacau-bilau segala. Lagi pertolongan on the spot dari Allah SWT - macam manalah nak tak sayang kat Dia? Tak pernah menghampakan, tak pernah akan. Dengan kudrat elves yang bekerjasama macam dalam filem, semua paper berjaya diklip dan tersusun ikut kelas. Magic? Hehe. As the seventh month dies, bukan?

Kawan-kawan, pembaca-pembaca, stalker-stalker (sama ada yang gila ataupun tidak), gembira itu milik semua yang tahu bersyukur. Dan tidak ada satu ketika pun dalam hayat kita di mana kita tidak perlu mengucapkan Alhamdulillah. Jangan berat mulut pemalas nak puji Tuhan, takut Dia malaskan terus engkau dengan stroke atau mati. Syukuri setiap apa saja - yang nikmat (kerana Dia cinta pada engkau), yang berat (juga kerana Dia cintakan engkau) - insyaAllah baik-baik semuanya.

Dan kalau engkau sudah serabut segala jiwa akal dengan masalah yang tak tahu nak putus-putus, anak isteri kelaparan, bapak mertua masuk wad gila, adik-beradik tak pass exam, bekas scandal mengandung 4 bulan, emak cari jantan lain - sampai tak ketahuan lagi apa yang perlu kau syukuri - heh, feel your pulse, dearie - dan ucapkanlah Alhamdulillah. At least, He is keeping you alive, untuk menemani engkau hadapi semuanya dengan gagah dan tabah.

All the best, everyone. Masa kita tak panjang mana. Semoga Dia peliharakan semua. Salam.

Why?

Why would anyone want to spend the rest of his/her life

with someone they can't even trust?

Tiada yang everlasting.

Sebenarnya kan, tak perlu nak paksa-paksa orang ikut telunjuk kita. Kadang-kadang, apa yang kita rasa baik untuk kita, tak semestinya baik pun. Dan pada banyak masa yang lain, apa yang kita rasa buruk untuk kita sebenarnya dah dicorakkan Tuhan. Mahu kita jadi hamba derhaka? Heh.

Kadang-kadang juga kan, kita rasa macam kita dah baik sangat. Pada kebanyakan masanya, kita mungkin perasan saja. Ada waktunya kita rasa kita hebat, maka semua orang mesti dengar cakap kita. Tapi bila fikir semula, tiada yang indah datang dari paksa-paksa.

Dan lebih teruk lagi, kadang-kadang kita rasa kita mampu miliki semua. Tapi kita lupa, untuk dapat segalanya, bergalang ganti nyawa pun belum senilaian. Puaka bukan?

Kau pernah rasa kau menang besar sampai nak ketawa berdekah-dekah? Macam menang trofi Festival Teater Malaysia? Jaga-jaga. Dalam hayat engkau dan aku serta semua, tiada yang everlasting.

Mungkin semasa engkau menggila sawan histeria menang pelakon pembantu lap air mata, aku juga sedang ketawa diangkat menjadi pengarah ternama. Atau mungkin juga menang engkau yang besar itu actually sebab aku main-main conteng scoresheet saja. Kau jangan lupa, aku naik pentas dulu sebelum engkau tengok dunia.

Jaga-jaga. Aku manusia yang berpegang pada janji. Kau memang belum kenal aku lagi. Dan aku pun tak berminat mahu sekolahkan engkau tentang siapa aku dengan cara yang engkau pasti tidak suka. Jadi engkau keep your distance dan aku tak perlu pecahkan muka siapa-siapa.

Fair enough aku rasa.

And for someone like you, aku dah generous sangat sebenarnya.

Sebab dia percuma. -edited-

If a bitch steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen, Nani. Sebab Tuhan sayang engkaulah, Dia pisahkan kau berdua. Sebab Tuhan kesian kat engkaulah Dia ambil lelaki macam itu dan campak kat perempuan lain yang selayaknya. Bersyukur, Nani. Tuhan sayang engkau. -A very good friend of mine

* * *

'You wanna tell me why you did it?' I asked. It's funny how my voice wasn't at all shaky despite the madness of the situation. In front of me was this person I had been in love with my entire life. A man I have shared my deepest and darkest secrets with, whose deepest and darkest desires are known to me because of the unspoken pledge of honesty between us. It had been years. And that's centuries in a woman's life. The man I had respected for his wisdom and affection, loved for his generosity and charm, adored for his patience and strength - was now sitting in front of me - guilty, but wasn't apologetic. Not the slightest. Son of a goddamn bloody bitch.

'I think you already know why,' he began, rather gently but still, not apologetic. Clearly he didn't realize just what kind of a pig he was.

'Your version, please,' I replied. This time I had a little smile on my face, for courage. I didn't soften the tone of my voice as I normally would when we have our heart-to-heart talk. I didn't want to. I was disgusted.

He looked at me. Brave enough. Hm. I would crush that soon. Wait for it. Now, when his mouth opened, I wished I hadn't asked him to tell me anything. But I wasn't that kind of girl, who regrets taking the step forward. And I also wasn't the kind of girl who can just walk away from something she cares about so much and pretends as if it was nothing. I was somewhere in the middle. I cared. But I also wanted to stop. And he said, 'I want to be with someone normal, Hana.'

Well, I guess I really should, then.

At that moment, everything I had ever known and loved in my whole life broke into a thousand pieces, with a silence that was so destructive I thought I'd let a part of me die with everything that was broken in the exact second. If I could, I really would've. I swear.

'Everything,' I demanded, even when I knew that I wasn't going to be ready for it.

'She lets me take her out. Dates, you know movies, or just walks and talks, I mean - I get to see her often. That's something we would never do because you have all these,' he hesitated, and proceeded with the dumbest shit any guy could ever come up with, 'rules about going out with a guy.'

I blinked. Unbelievable. Had he really sunken to that lev-

'I just want a normal girlfriend,' he added, stressing on the word normal.

Ah. He had. Right.

That would have made me laugh any day if that came from some other guy and the woman he was talking to was someone else. Seriously? But the problem was that I knew I was right, he did too, and I was going to let him get away with cheating because both of them deserve each other. Well, don't they?

'They aren't my rules, Lutfi. They are God's rules,' I said - stressing on the word God. 'Don't we both pray 5 times a day?'

He looked away. That is to be expected, my friends.

'You don't want a normal girlfriend. You just want someone you don't have to pay for with nikah,' I said, finally. Well, that's what this is all about. Basically.

He didn't say anything. Ah, what could he have said, anyway?

'She let you touch her?' I poked.

'Yeah,' he answered, after a moment of hesitation.

'I see,' I replied. I mean, yeah, I really did see the whole picture now.

'It's not what you think,' he added hastily. 'We didn't have s-

I laughed. Genuine.

'It doesn't matter what I think, Lutfi. I don't own both heaven and hell,' I mused. 'Someone else does. It's Him you need to worry about.'

Yeah, call me an impossible girlfriend. Why not? I practically am, in more ways than one. I refused every time he asked me out. I had always refused to be seen with him without a friend or a family member. I do not believe in holding hands, kisses in the car, pointless walks, empty talks and wild concerts that he believes would bring two people closer - we are Muslims, yeah? Let's live like we really are. Let's love like God teaches us to. But he didn't think it would be cool.

I guess I kind of grazed his massive ego so he decided to hit me back. 'She often looks pretty. She dresses up well.' He stared at me. Plain, pastel me. As if that would hurt. I can't believe that I was ever in love with someone so dumb. This isn't high school, genius. Mature women don't get hurt just because their boyfriend cheated with a prettier girl.

'You're joking, right?' I asked. It was getting ridiculous.

'I found someone better, Hana.'

'You think you found someone better.'

He didn't say anything to that.

'I have always had the choice to be with someone so much better than you, Lutfi, but I chose to be with you. And now you're telling me, you're leaving me for someone better just because you think you have a choice? Tak sedar diri.'

He was as still as a corpse.

'Kau mana ada choice, Lutfi. Kau pilih dia sebab dia percuma. Bukan sebab dia lebih baik dari aku. Face it,' I said, kindly. 'Dan perempuan percuma saja yang kau mampu afford.'

He couldn't believe I had said that. I was always the sweet one. The kind one. The forgiving one. The one with the most carefully chosen words. Well I've chosen perfectly this time, haven't I? A round of applause, if you please.

'I'm tired, Hana,' he said, after a fake sigh. 'I don't wanna fight.'

'I'm bored, Lutfi. You're just another disappointment.'

A few seconds went by. And he decided to do the stupidest thing in the universe.

'I'm sorry for everything.'

'Don't be. I'm not.'

'Hana -

'You don't have to apologize for being you.'

He looked at me - wondering just what the hell was I thinking. LOL. Can you get any stupider?

'Tell her I'm sorry. A cheater is the best gift I can sincerely offer to her, for your wedding. Both of you deserve each other.'

'Hana -

'I need to go now. I have a new life to live. You've wasted years of my life so I really hope you'll fuck up the rest of yours really bad you'd die early. Bye.'

That was rude, I know. That was beyond anything rude I had ever said to anybody, even the people I hate.

So I walked away.

I bet you're wondering about my broken heart. Heh. It'll mend itself eventually. It always does.

I bet you're also wondering if I cried. Yeah I did. I cried because God had chosen the best for me - a life without him. Because He was so close. Because His love was so obvious. Because He saved me.

And are you wondering if it was hard? It was. It really, really was. But I pulled through because I realized something - that at least two meaningless people would never make it into my future. Because I deserve so much more. So much more.

I didn't turn to take the final look at his sorry face because I already knew what I would see - the face of the person I should have high-fived with a truck.

But hey, that would be animal cruelty. 

* * *

'Lutfi, if you can cheat behind me with her, apa jaminan kau takkan buat benda yang sama pada dia? Can you guarantee that you'd be loyal to her?' I asked, already knowing the answer.

'Saya pun tak tahulah, Hana,' was his reply.

Well, looks like he's really, the BEST gift for her, then.

INFLAKASTA - 06072013.

Aku bangga dengan kamu semua. Tahu?