I was told the other day that I have not yet found true love, by someone I haven't considered a friend. But since she so desperately wanted to force her opinion onto me, I let her talk. I have all the rights in the world to dismiss her personal thoughts as shit. So practically that was what I did. But let me share some bits of her shit-talk with you. Some of you might not care, and that's OK. Some of you might agree with her, which is not at all my problem. Some of you might take my stand, which will make us friends. Yeah, people. That's how I run this place. You like it? Good.
Right, she told me this:
Nani, you belum jumpa cinta lagi. You belum tau betapa butanya cinta. Tanya orang berpengalaman ni (merujuk kepada diri sendiri). Nanti when it hits you, you dah tak kenal mak bapak dah. Cinta lelaki tu lagi hebat. You takkan peduli dah die tu anak petani ke, merempat ke, smoker tegar ke, sebab you dah ada cinta. You takkan worry yang dia akan kikis harta you ke apa, instead, you yang akan beli everything sebab you nak die happy dengan you. I tau, I've been there, done that. You takkan heran dah what your parents are going to say, sebab you will want to be with him no matter what.
What I told her:
If it makes you forget your parents, then it's not true love at all. If it makes you derhaka beyond the darkest pit of hell, then it's definitely not something worth desiring, or having. If it makes you spend your hard-earned salary for nothing in return, then it's just shit. Your siblings could do better with that money. If it makes you a world class jerk towards your parents, then nobody needs it. Definitely not love. I don't want it. Period.
* * *
You've been there? Done that? And now you're married to someone else, yes? How does it make you feel now, kak, that you had once spent so much - money and everything else - on someone who ended up with someone else? Don't tell me itu semua pengalaman yang mendewasakan kita or whatever shit it is - and that you don't mind it one bit, because like it or not - you regret it. You don't have to admit it, I understand. It hurts your ego real bad now, doesn't it? To be older and supposedly smarter, you once did something so stupid and is now proud of it. I'm not criticising. I'm just pointing it out the way I see it. You don't have to agree with me.
Really, I am a cool person. Cool people adore me - my students and my friends. I carry myself like I don't need anybody. I've been standing my ground against the world of mediocre minds without anyone by my side, and I'm surviving - which is not a surprise, if you know me. And men just hate that, don't they? Girls who can do everything and not lose her cool even one bit. I am one of those girls. And you think you know everything about me already? You think wrong, and I'm going to slap you for that.
So, you strongly believe that to have fallen in love and be hurt is better than to have never loved at all, no? You keep doing that. But you are not going to make me wallow in that rotten cheese factory of yours because I believe in not falling love at all. I believe in rising in love. I believe in the kind of love and the kind of man that - instead of making you forget the world - reminds you of your priorities and help you shoulder them, sincerely. Not a man who steals you away from your world and make you believe that love is like that; letting go of everything you once need to be with that one person who seems to be more important than oxygen. But then again, people like you need that kind of distraction - that love needs to hurt and demands sacrifice like nothing else you'd ever gotten yourselves involved in. Well, kak, that's the most screwed up thing I have ever heard. As screwed up as 'If you love someone, let them go.' Yeah, as screwed up as that.
Love, kak, doesn't need to hurt. The truest kind of love doesn't hurt at all. It makes you happy. It makes you a better person, not a daughter yang tak kenang budi, melawan cakap mak bapak sebab nak ikut jantan entah mana-mana. It brings you closer to the people you love because true love does have such magic. Real love makes you lovable - I know this for a fact, I've been close friends with people who had been in love (and still are) and they have the prettiest of hearts because they have love. They don't go stomping on their family's happiness just to make one stranger smile. They don't do what you did, kak, and that is the kind of love I'd hoped to find. The kind that makes more people happy, instead of just one person. Love is not selfish, kak. You must have forgotten that. And you think I'm an idealist when it comes to love.
Does it make you happy, kak, when he is happy but your parents' hearts are broken beyond repair? It does, doesn't it? That's what you told me. 'Asalkan die happy, akak happy. Tak kisahlah ape orang lain kata.' Kak, you're the only person who knows when exactly your parents become 'orang lain' instead of the two most wonderful people on earth who love you despite the idiot that you are. I'm not going to say much, then. But I pray to God so that He protects me from becoming like you.
Just because I'm independent doesn't mean I'd be out of my mind when I first found love. And just because your head went haywire for something you thought was love doesn't mean everyone else would choose the same ending for themselves. I know I won't.
And in the first place, kak,
whatever is it on earth made you think that I haven't found love?
