...that boys shouldn't be boys if being boys hurts others.

A few days ago, someone I almost thought I should look up to disappointed me, so I stopped entertaining the idea that she might have deserved my respect like what LOL no. How's that for an intro? 

Hello. Yeah, you. Hi. I'm trying to return so bear with me as my train of thoughts tries to make sense of the crazy rail it is currently on. It's been a while since I last wrote a rage post so today feels like a good day to start working on a mild one - thus here I am. I hope everyone is doing fine, and if you're not just hop on anyway - life is too short to be depressed about insignificant things, so choose happiness and read a rage post that could have been nastier. One almost furious Teacher Nani is on the way, so buckle up. I honestly can't be bothered to write a better introduction, you're gonna have to forgive me for this. I'll do better next time. But it's not a promise.

So earlier that day I attended a small meeting with a group of people I thought rather highly of. Wow that sounds so offensive I actually laughed but yeah OK let's move on. The topic was Change - what change are we seeking to make in our little society and how to go about doing that. Personally I think it went fine, until one of us suggested that educating girls to respect themselves is not enough; that boys need to be schooled on respecting girls, too; that boys shouldn't be boys if being boys hurts others and that girls and boys need to know their boundaries (la taqrabu zina, anyone?). To which I agreed, wholeheartedly. Yeah. Until that. Because the response that came from the person I almost thought I should look up to was frighteningly stupid and dangerously detrimental to anyone's psychological health; 'Uh, about that, I'd like to point out that the reason boys engage in indecent behaviours is because the girls are inviting them to. Wouldn't have happened if girls don't allow them to.' Disgusted? Believe me you don't wanna know how it sounded in Bahasa Melayu - I almost broke someone's face after hearing that. That was loosely translated and even that makes my blood boil wow.

To which I responded - in loose translation, of course, 'That's not true. Girls do indecent things, too, yes. But that doesn't mean they are to be blamed for every single khalwat and zina case we deal with. The thing about Malay parents is they put so much pressure on their daughters and let their sons do whatever they want because 'boys will be boys'. We tell our girls to always walk in groups. We tell our girls to cover up. We tell our girls to do this and that - to avoid getting raped. But how many of us tell our boys to not rape? To not disrespect girls if they are not tudung-clad? To not kiss girls just because she said they should?'

To which some of us responded with nods of agreement (I hope). 

I don't know what her face looked like when I said that. I didn't bother to look. I was so pissed. How can she be a mother, a sister, a woman and think like that all at the same time? How can you so easily decide that girls are the reason why all these disgusting cases are piling up in the freaking office? How can you be quoting Quranic verses and hadiths in your daily conversations and think so lowly of others? How can you be saying that shit like you're so damn sure none of your daughters is going to end up getting pregnant without knowing who the father is? How. Can. You. Do. All. That? 

I still couldn't believe she actually came to that conclusion. 'Perempuan yang bukak jalan. Lelaki kalau orang dah offer, takkan nak menolak? Puncanya memang perempuan. Fitnah akhir zaman.' Hello madam, you are a woman, too, what are you talking about OMFG did you fall down and break something on your way to the meeting room because I can't do this anymore. Were you a bukak jalan kind of girl when you were younger? So was it because you spread your legs for men often back then you think ALL girls are the same? No? Then why are you so obsessed with this idea of women as the root of all sins; of men as saints who could do no wrong yet can succumb to temptations and still remain innocent, what the hell is that thinking I can't understand! What religion teaches that because I can't find a rule in any possible version of a sick and twisted Islam that suggests: a woman who willingly offers herself to a man is halal for him touch and kiss and make love to, and if she gets pregnant, it's entirely her fault. Because that's what you're implying. That it's not the boy's fault that he has no self-control. That it's not the boy's fault that he gets turned on by what the girl wears. That it's not the boy's fault that he agrees to have sex with her just because she said they should. That boys will be boys, and girls are always responsible for the way boys behave. 

Did you teach your son those things? Because wow we're all fucked if you did. Who knows how many minds he had poisoned with your ideas?

What happens to saying No? What happens to staying away from anything that will lead to zina? What happens to remembering God and supressing your lust? What happens to trying your best to be the best Muslim you can be? And what happens to striving for Jannah?

Here's an analogy. I'll give you a can of beer and I'll tell you to drink it. I'll even tell you in my own sick way why it's fine to do so and that it won't be sinful. Will you do it? (If you say yes, you can stop reading, there's nothing else for you here.) No? Why? Because it's haram. Because my offering it to you is a sin and my normalizing the haram is an even bigger one. Because accepting it would make you a sinner, too. Because knowing that it's wrong and still doing it is horrible and sinful. Because it's NOT entirely my fault if you make up your mind to sin. Because when it's your heart that wants it, your hand that accepts it, and your throat that relishes it - it's YOUR fault. You know that. You know that when you choose to sin, you are responsible for whatever outcome you're gonna have to face. That's why you wouldn't do it.

Then why is it different with the teenagers who engage in sex before it is halal for them? Don't the boys know that zina is haram? They do. Then why is it ONLY the girls' fault when both of them choose to sin? Both sides have the choice to say No but only one side gets the blame? WTF? Why did you nag at the girl to mandi wajib, tell her that she is filthy, but you didn't give the boy a single warning? That's what I don't get and that's why I think you need to stop acting like you're way up there - you don't know when your own son is going to ask you to pinang a pregnant girl because he has decided to be a father before even marrying her. One of these days, madam, you're really going to regret having spoken garbage about other people's kids. One of these days, Allah will show you that nobody is better than anybody, nobody has the right to condemn anybody to hell; and for their own sake, I hope your lesson wouldn't have to involve your kids.

I am so disappointed and furious. How can someone of such age, in such position think and say such dumb and destructive things? No doubt she has been spreading this toxic belief to the youths she engages herself with, and none of them had no courage to counter her like I did which is why she has been believing that shit for I don't know how many years now. How can you believe that girls are the sole reason this shit happens when you too, are woman? Or did you just exclude yourself and your daughters from that conclusion? WTH? Right. This backward thinking needs to stop. This is one of the things that's destroying us a nation - a generalization of a whole group based on a judgment that spurs from blind hate. I'm not saying everyone should love everything and everybody because I know that's not possible - we are humans. I'm just saying that we should love for the right reasons and hate ONLY when we're well-informed. Even then hating is still a choice and happy people will choose to not hate. And I'm saying we're not supposed to spread nonsense just because we have the power to influence because that's horrendous and if you're still able to look at yourself with pride after doing that, you need to get your brains checked. There is something seriously wrong there.

I'm also saying we must blame the rapist for rape but we shouldn't blame only one side for zina. I shouldn't have to explain this anymore God it's 2017. You said you wanna help girls, so you start by helping yourself think better about other people and think lesser about how great you believe you are. And there are always three sides to remaja terlanjur stories like this; the girl's, the boy's and then there's the truth. So tak payahlah nak memandai tambah cerita pasal perempuan bukak jalan pejadah semua when you're not even a part of the truth. Tak payah. It's already a difficult mess to clean without you adding crap to it. So really, tak payah tambah bala yang tak perlu. It's sick and I am revolted and I don't know how you could live with that kind of filth in your head - the same place you put knowledge and thinking. I really don't. And I really hope there are less of your kind now than before because the world is already dying. Too little humility around and too many self-professed ahli syurga making mess. So yes, lesser of your kind is better.

Phew.

I am saddened. My soul is tired. It's been 1400 years since Iqra' but the jahiliyyah notion of women being the reason for all sins still thrives because some women still believe that that's all there is to being a woman. Sigh. It's only August and I'm more than done with the year. 2018 should really come faster. Bring about some fresh air. It's getting harder to breathe now. And yes, I am back. 

Fully.