Love, Ig.

TO MY AMAZING FOLLOWERS, yes, YOU.

Nothing much. Really. Just thought I'd invite all of you to follow me on Twitter. Would be really happy if the silent ones and the not silent ones, too, would say hi and talk to me about anything. I mean, there's this huge-ass iceberg between us and I'm just writing stuff on this side and you guys are reading them from the other side and there are polar bears and penguins and seals and, you know what - we need to break the ice! So. Yeah. I won't bite. Click HERE.

And thanks.

Talk to me, OK?

Would you - ?

STOP telling people how to avoid others talking about them. 

Tell the others to not talk about things they know nothing of, instead.

I am SICK of the society where we are taught, 'Don't make people talk about you,' when it should be, 'Don't talk about people you don't know.' We are teaching our kids the wrong things. And that should really change.

I wish I could say, 'I've had enough' but hey, a lot of us are still defined by the things we couldn't say and by the things we couldn't do. Because the society decides what's what. I'd say I hate it, but hey, I'm a part of it. So yeah, I could be hating myself for all I know.

What about you guys? Been through anything similar?

NEVERMORE.

This is one of those books I had betrayed by flipping to the last page to get to the ending before actually reading it. One of those really few books. (Don't look at me like that.) And I swear to God, I am not at all proud of having done that. I swear. Not at all proud. As a book nerd, that's just something we don't do. But I'm not your standard book nerd, so I've been crossing some lines. Some really serious lines - I did it to HP7 too, some years ago and to some other really 'sacred' titles and no, I am not proud. But I don't regret it either, so you can hate me. I mean it. Seriously, it really was HP7. I wasn't joking.

Now Nevermore. The best thing about it is the fact that Max and Fang got back together so whatever pathetic remnants of what little I have of my deteriorating sanity didn't evaporate into nothingness like what my friends had predicted, and here I am, writing my fluttering heart to you. Hehe. Been a while, haven't I? OK, back to where we were: I had been hyperventilating since the last book when Fang left the flock, breaking Max's heart (and MINE, of course) and started a gang which involved Max II. And then Dylan walked in - perfection at its best, programmed to love Max more than anything else in the world and specially designed to be Max's perfect other half (oh God I actually wrote that) so everything, I mean it; EVERYTHING was chaos and I almost mentally died. I'd been in campaigns urging Mr Patterson to actually kill someone off and return Fang home - and that's wherever Max is, I'd been crazy emotional on Tumblr and everywhere else and I had also been frighteningly unstable (intellectually and mentally) - I was disturbed, which is so normal, if you really know me. Morons don't disturb me. Books do.

The first few chapters were Fang and Maya moments and Max and Dylan moments so I was, 'OMG I hate this book!!' and my students who saw me were like, 'Teacher? You OK?' I'd smile and continue rushing through the pages like the world was ending - yeah I exaggerate, so what? Anyway, yeah, someone died and Fang came back and I cried here and there as I was reading. And when he told Max he loves her, I thought, 'My first love should really be like this. The end of the world isn't near, it is here. But he was here, too and that's all that should matter.' I cried when the whitecoats hurt Angel. I cried when the flock found out that she was alive. I cried when Max cried (in Dylan's arms pft!). Well, I kind of cried everytime things get emotional. And I cried when Max and Fang were in each other's arms and the monstrous wave was threatening to swallow them alive right after they both realize how much they mean to each other and how little time they have to live that fact.

Then the book ended. And my favourite chapter is the 79th. Definitely the 79th. Because there's so much love in that few pages. So much love it spilled from the pages. I don't care if you don't believe me. It spilled and I fell in love. If I were to really fall in love one day, I hope it'd somehow feel like the chapter 79th.


" Fang held me tightly, like he'd never, ever let go again, and we kissed for what felt like eternity, for all of those tense moments that had been building between us for years, and for every second we'd been apart. We kissed like we were inhaling each other, like we would live and die in this moment.

We kissed like the world was ending."


A part of me was breaking as I realize that there will be no more Max after this since this is the last book of the series but a bigger part was proud that this final installment concluded a lot of things nicely, although some of them aren't done they way I wished they'd be. But that's OK, really. What fun is there in reading if everything goes your way, no? So, yeah. I was almost broken but I was also saved and everything is OK again. I'm all sane (not really, since I'm now working my way through A Song of Ice and Fire and it's crazy good I can't even, yeah) and breathing.

And I am back.

It's really been a while since I was last myself. But I'm here now, and I'm all me. I realized too, that I hadn't really been gone. So here I am and you'll be seeing a lot of me from now on. And by a lot, I mean, a lot. I'll be writing more often. I'll be drawing more often. I'll be returning visits more often.

So you should be around, too.

Later.

I'm not his wife. So?

The ONLY bad thing about Bradley James? I'm not his wife.

I really should have stick to crushing on you. Sorry that I fell for someone else.

I am back now.

* * *

I was with stupid and I can't believe 

how almost stupid I was when I was with it. But now stupid is with 

another stupid made just for it.

They are meant for each other and they look great together.

What was I thinking, really?

* * *

Some gaytards are gonna tell you, at one point of your life or another, 

that if you haven't yet found your Mr. Right, 

you should settle down with Mr. Second-best. 

My advice? Ignore them.

Never bring down your standards just because you want to be accepted. 

Or to make people who clearly don't deserve you, like you. 

Because if they're really all that, they would like you anyway - 

world-class idiot or just plain genius. 

God made each one of us to stand out, 

why the hell do you wanna fit in?

* * *

I could have been stupid for liking you.

But God saved me, didn't He?

* * *

I don't hate them. But if they're on fire and I had water -

I'd drink it.

* * *

And if you're gonna get hit by a bus,

I'd be driving that bus.

Happily.

* * *

So I can't remember the last time I started hating someone.

Shit.

I have forgiven everything.

Ada orang rasa offended bila aku hantar SMS berbunyi macam ini:

Salam Aidilfitri and I have forgiven everything. Maaf zahir dan batin.

Sebab pada mereka aku seharusnya minta dimaafkan segala apa yang terbuat dulu, bukannya sesuka hati announce yang mereka semua sudah terampun.

Ngok.

Rasional?

Sebelum meminta apa-apa dari sesiapa, seharusnya kita menjadi pemberi terlebih dahulu. Sebab itu aku forgive sebelum aku apologize.

Apa kau nak offended? Otak sempit.


* * *

Last night I was told, 'Now you know that he was already in a relationship with someone before you guys get together. When he was with you, he was also with another girl. You've been cheated since the beginning.'

And I told him, 'I don't care. I wasn't even in love.'

It's the truth.


* * *


Kepada semua perempuan yang belum pernah bercinta, jadilah macam saya - simpan hati yang masih suci belum terhadiahkan kepada sesiapa itu untuk suami. Jangan beri pada orang yang bukan-bukan.

p/s: Aku bernasib baik sebab belum pernah mencintai sesiapa. Bakal suami aku paling bertuah - dapat cinta first hand nanti. Hehe.

Kubur masing-masing, OK? F*ck off.

Budak-budak jahil zaman sekarang, kamu semua tahu, bila ditegur baik-baik, 'Adik, adik dah lawa. Kalau tutup aurat, lagi lawa. Sungguh,' jawabnya, 'Kubur masing-masing, tu yang paling penting.' Itu kalau kau jumpa yang attitude boleh tahan.

Kalau yang biadab dan jahil pulak jawabnya, 'Alah kau dah sempurna sangat kan? Nak tegur-tegur orang pulak. Kubur masing-masing, OK? Jangan sibuk hal orang lain.'

Kalau yang jahil serta ultimate kurang ajar jawabnya macam ini, 'Kau dah sure sangat masuk syurga ke? Dah clear seksa kubur ke? Kubur kau tu settle dulu, baru cakap pasal kubur orang.'

Sebenarnya kan, this 'kubur masing-masing' bullshit datang dari mana? Siapa makhluk bongkak whatever tak sedar diri nak mampus yang mulakan fahaman bodoh ni? And why, oh why begitu ramai yang boleh pulak terpengaruh lepas itu dengan bangganya menggunakan ayat ini setiap kali orang ajak buat baik? Do they really mean it when they say it?

Topik aurat bukan topik tunggal yang buat benda ni jauh tersebar. Kau ajaklah bangsa jenis ini buat sebarang benda baik yang Allah SWT suka, itulah jawapan yang kau dapat. Most of the times. Kau tengok FB sudah.

* * *

Kubur kita mungkin sorang satu, dik. Rumah kita pun sorang satu. Tapi kubur bukan macam rumah, boleh decide nak buat kat mana, nak plan yang macam mana, nak besar mana, nak siap berapa lama, nak pindah masuk bila dan nak interior design style apa. Kubur ni dik, lepas kita mati nanti, saudara-saudara seagama kita yang tolong gali lepas mereka tolong mandikan kita, kafankan kita, sembahyangkan kita dan usung kita ramai-ramai ke liang lahad kita tu. Kalau kita boleh mati sendiri, mandi sendiri, kafan sendiri, solat sendiri, gali kubur sendiri, masuk sendiri dan kambus sendiri - kita sombong bongkaklah macam mana pun, memang layak sangat. Ini nyawa pun dah malaikat yang tolong cabut, mandi pun dah saudara-mara tolong uruskan, kafan pun orang lain tolong pakaikan, semuanyalah orang lain buatkan untuk kita, jadi kenapa kita nak berlagak sangat depan Tuhan? Kita nak berlagak apa sebenarnya sedangkan semua yang kita miliki ni Dia yang bagi?

Kalau orang yang tegur kita tu lebih tua, atas dasar hormat pada pengalaman hidup mereka, kita bukalah hati. Kalau tak mampu nak terus ikut pun, tak perlu maki-hamun bukan?

Kalau yang menegur kita tu sebaya, anggaplah dia sayangkan kita sebagai kawan seusia. Bagus kan ada orang pedulikan kita? Daripada kita terus hanyut ke pintu neraka?

Dan kalau kita ditegur oleh teman yang lebih muda, sebelum mengamuk macam makhluk kesian yang tak berakal - ingatkanlah diri kita, teman kita itu dosanya kurang daripada kita. Ucap terima kasih, lepas tu boleh mula berfikir. Akal Tuhan beri percuma, bila lagi nak guna?

Tidak perlu buat tayangan percuma kebodohan mutlak kita dengan marah-marah pada perkara yang tak perlu dimarahi, caci-maki pada orang-orang yang sudi peduli dan menyombong di depan Allah SWT kononnya kita boleh uruskan hal mati sendiri. Hakikatnya bila kita taksub bongkak dengan diri, kita sebenarnya bertemasya menyambut kebodohan kita menyombong dengan nyawa, harta dan kebebasan yang cuma pinjaman. Tak hinakah kita membangga diri dengan barang pinjam?

Sebaiknya kita selalu mengkritik diri supaya usaha menjadi makhluk kesayangan Allah SWT itu jadi berterusan. Supaya kita selalu berminat dengan syurga dan segala yang Allah SWT suka. Supaya panjang pendek usia kita tak melimpah dengan perkara sia-sia dan berdosa.

Tapi, berapa ramai yang mahu jadi cool kerana dikasehi Tuhan?  

Dan berapa ramai pula yang mahu kekal cool di mata manusia dengan melawan Tuhan?

She doesn't even fly.

Oh God, Sam called Carly 'Angel' and my heart skipped half a beat. But I know you don't care. I know you're not even reading this.

Why should you?

You have her to read now.

Her thoughts. Her dreams.

And I also know that she is not even half as magical as I am.

For one, she doesn't even fly.
 

* * *


My name is Max.

And this isn't about you.

Long distance.

Truth. Kan?

SHE'S BROKEN 

BECAUSE 

SHE BELIEVED.

I am not alone. I hope.

A lot of people are going to tell you that everything is going to be OK, right after something bad happens to you. I've been through that and I hate it. Which is why I never told anyone who came to me crying their eyes out that, 'It's gonna be OK.' I never will. Because nobody needs a lie when they have just been hit by a brutal truth.

So you tell them smartasses to go and have sex with themselves because nothing is going to be OK when your heart is broken and the person you are in love with is now in love with someone else. Nothing is ever OK when your nights are spent thinking about what could have gone wrong and how you could have make it right with your realizing that there's really nothing else that you could ever do anyway. Nothing could be OK when you have already believed in the happy ending and it turned out to be something that will never happen. Nothing will be OK when all the beautiful memories that make up your world just crumble to nothingness right under your feet and you start to fall, forever, never crashing and always agonizingly anticipating to. But the fall never comes, so your brain gets damaged more and more as you fall. Until nothing is left in what little you have of your insanity so you're left a rambling lunatic. And nothing, nothing is OK when you're in such a terrible pain that you can't even cry because if you do, you die. Nothing is OK if you're that hurt.

Now don't go telling people who are mentally and emotionally broken that everything is going to be OK. Because it's not true and they don't need that. What they want is just someone who would spend a little time listening to what selfish nonsense they have to say and they'll get back to their feet and move forward, no matter how broken they are. So you be that person. Just sit with them and listen. It's really not a problem if you don't understand a thing they say. Or that you don't have anything nice to respond to them with. They don't even want your comments. In that exact moment, when their world is broken beyond repair, they just want to know that they're not alone, that there are other hearts beating somewhere else. They are not asking to be a part of yours. They just need to feel a presence other than theirs, because they are so used to someone's that when that person is suddenly gone, their life comes to a halt. And that is not something everyone can understand. To suddenly lose the heart that had once upon a time beat with yours, to someone else's? No. Definitely not something just anyone can comprehend.

Someone broke my heart a few days ago. And I think time kind of stopped for me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have anything smart to say to that person. Somehow I didn't feel like myself anymore. But as long as I am still alive, I believe I will walk out of this. Not unscathed, though. I'm all black and blue and bleeding and I just wanna walk out alive. Pray for me, if you have the time.

I will never be the same again. I will never be the person I used to like. But maybe that's for the best. Because a lot of us don't really like who we are, but we're all still happy, in one way or another so yeah, maybe it's for the best - these changes.

A friend asks if I'm angry at that person, for changing me so much and breaking me into a thousand unrecognizable pieces right after - I said no. I'm not angry. A person who angers you is given power to control you, and to inflict more damage onto you. So, no. I give nobody such power. And anger is something only uncool people feel. I don't deal with cheap emotions like that. I am cool. You know I am.

So this is me, writing just fragments of what sap I really feel because right now I am just not good at handling extreme emotions. Just pieces of here and there and what and when and how. And I know a lot of you might think you know what I'm talking about, but I can promise you this - you don't. You can guess if you like, though. We'll still be friends.

*takes a deep breath*

I'll be around more often now that the Chamber of Secrets is only half open. Hope to talk to you guys, soon.

Later, everyone.

And try not to break hearts.

Snow White and the Huntsman.

Drop-dead-and-coming-back-to-life-a-thousand-times-gorgeous
and still pretends that 

Kristen 'Expressionless Snow White' Stewart is prettier. 

Seriously.  

This is so ****ed-up.

You belum tau betapa butanya cinta. Pft.

It's school holiday. And I'm on Pottermore. Which is not at all a surprise. Now, today I will be talking about love. Just a fragment of the whole matter. From my point of view.

I was told the other day that I have not yet found true love, by someone I haven't considered a friend. But since she so desperately wanted to force her opinion onto me, I let her talk. I have all the rights in the world to dismiss her personal thoughts as shit. So practically that was what I did. But let me share some bits of her shit-talk with you. Some of you might not care, and that's OK. Some of you might agree with her, which is not at all my problem. Some of you might take my stand, which will make us friends. Yeah, people. That's how I run this place. You like it? Good.

Right, she told me this:
Nani, you belum jumpa cinta lagi. You belum tau betapa butanya cinta. Tanya orang berpengalaman ni (merujuk kepada diri sendiri). Nanti when it hits you, you dah tak kenal mak bapak dah. Cinta lelaki tu lagi hebat. You takkan peduli dah die tu anak petani ke, merempat ke, smoker tegar ke, sebab you dah ada cinta. You takkan worry yang dia akan kikis harta you ke apa, instead, you yang akan beli everything sebab you nak die happy dengan you. I tau, I've been there, done that. You takkan heran dah what your parents are going to say, sebab you will want to be with him no matter what.

What I told her:
If it makes you forget your parents, then it's not true love at all. If it makes you derhaka beyond the darkest pit of hell, then it's definitely not something worth desiring, or having. If it makes you spend your hard-earned salary for nothing in return, then it's just shit. Your siblings could do better with that money. If it makes you a world class jerk towards your parents, then nobody needs it. Definitely not love. I don't want it. Period.


* * *

You've been there? Done that? And now you're married to someone else, yes? How does it make you feel now, kak, that you had once spent so much - money and everything else - on someone who ended up with someone else? Don't tell me itu semua pengalaman yang mendewasakan kita or whatever shit it is - and that you don't mind it one bit, because like it or not - you regret it. You don't have to admit it, I understand. It hurts your ego real bad now, doesn't it? To be older and supposedly smarter, you once did something so stupid and is now proud of it. I'm not criticising. I'm just pointing it out the way I see it. You don't have to agree with me.

Really, I am a cool person. Cool people adore me - my students and my friends. I carry myself like I don't need anybody. I've been standing my ground against the world of mediocre minds without anyone by my side, and I'm surviving - which is not a surprise, if you know me. And men just hate that, don't they? Girls who can do everything and not lose her cool even one bit. I am one of those girls. And you think you know everything about me already? You think wrong, and I'm going to slap you for that.

So, you strongly believe that to have fallen in love and be hurt is better than to have never loved at all, no? You keep doing that. But you are not going to make me wallow in that rotten cheese factory of yours because I believe in not falling love at all. I believe in rising in love. I believe in the kind of love and the kind of man that - instead of making you forget the world - reminds you of your priorities and help you shoulder them, sincerely. Not a man who steals you away from your world and make you believe that love is like that; letting go of everything you once need to be with that one person who seems to be more important than oxygen. But then again, people like you need that kind of distraction - that love needs to hurt and demands sacrifice like nothing else you'd ever gotten yourselves involved in. Well, kak, that's the most screwed up thing I have ever heard. As screwed up as 'If you love someone, let them go.' Yeah, as screwed up as that.

Love, kak, doesn't need to hurt. The truest kind of love doesn't hurt at all. It makes you happy. It makes you a better person, not a daughter yang tak kenang budi, melawan cakap mak bapak sebab nak ikut jantan entah mana-mana. It brings you closer to the people you love because true love does have such magic. Real love makes you lovable  - I know this for a fact, I've been close friends with people who had been in love (and still are) and they have the prettiest of hearts because they have love. They don't go stomping on their family's happiness just to make one stranger smile. They don't do what you did, kak, and that is the kind of love I'd hoped to find. The kind that makes more people happy, instead of just one person. Love is not selfish, kak. You must have forgotten that. And you think I'm an idealist when it comes to love.

Does it make you happy, kak, when he is happy but your parents' hearts are broken beyond repair? It does, doesn't it? That's what you told me. 'Asalkan die happy, akak happy. Tak kisahlah ape orang lain kata.' Kak, you're the only person who knows when exactly your parents become 'orang lain' instead of the two most wonderful people on earth who love you despite the idiot that you are. I'm not going to say much, then. But I pray to God so that He protects me from becoming like you.

Just because I'm independent doesn't mean I'd be out of my mind when I first found love. And just because your head went haywire for something you thought was love doesn't mean everyone else would choose the same ending for themselves. I know I won't.

And in the first place, kak,  

whatever is it on earth made you think that I haven't found love?

I am FeatherAsh17795. You are?

Hi, you guys. I've been quiet. No. That's not quite right. I've been on Pottermore. Which is why I rarely write these days. Which is ridiculously not me. Which is just – you know what, I should stop there. Now, unlike some really dishonest people who would say, ‘Don’t blame me! Blame JK Rowling for coming up with something so cool!’ to sound nice, I say you guys can blame me for laziness and everything else but I just won’t care. How’s that for honesty? Never mind.

Anyway, yeah, I’ve been on Pottermore and will still be for a very long time it seems. This blog is going to illustrate the words ‘inconsistency’ and ‘random’ in the coming editions of most illustrated dictionaries. I’m serious. I’m like, insanely trying to not be driven crazy out of excitement ever since I joined and was sorted into Gryffindor. It’s been magical and it’s been only the journey through the first book. Some of my students are there too, which makes the whole matter of being on Pottermore even crazier.

Luqman Hakim: Teacher, mind if I steal a bit of your time?
Me: Yeah? (as I fumbled with my things before rushing to class that morning)
Luqman Hakim: I’m in Hufflepuff.
Me: Oh, that’s great! We should duel!

Nuqman was even bolder, ‘Teacher, I’m in Slytherin.’ That look on his face. Haha. Priceless. ‘You’re in Gryffindor?’ That other look on his face. That one eyebrow that was raised? God.

Syafiq Amran even called me FeatherAsh at one time. Which was so Pottermore I couldn’t even!

So, I have been:
What!? No, seriously just where the heck did I go wrong? Why isn’t it brewing? Wait..what’s that green smoke! No! My cauldron, IT BROKE !@#$%^&*()! I need to get a new one, don’t I? And it’s crazy expensive plus I’m not earning anything! Picking up galleons in the school isn’t paying for new cauldrons! And why the hell aren’t platinum ones sold? 43 minutes to brew a potion! I have other stuff to do!

I have also been:
What wand is this Slytherin boy using? Petrificus Totalus, spell cast potency – 145!? Just seriously what wand wood and wand core is THAT!? I practiced, OK!? I just – I don’t wanna talk about this. Mine’s Alder, 11 and a half inches. Core – Dragon heartstring, slightly springy. Nadiah! Yours is like one of the largest wands in Pottermore database! 14 and a half! Mental!

Jasmine: How did Kak Aimi land in Slytherin?
Me: I think what baffles me more is just how seriously we’re taking this. Just. Crazy.
Jasmine: (laughed out loud, for real)

Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore. Many of you are Harry Potter fans, yes? I think you guys should really check out Pottermore. Get registered. Get sorted. And take the journey through all the books yourselves. I don’t think you’d be disappointed.

And if you decide to be in, don’t forget to add me up – at Hogwarts, I am  

FeatherAsh17795, 

a proud Gryffindor. Will I see you there, people?

I hope so.

"Every single cell

that makes me who I am, has your name written on it," he said, some nights ago.

Maybe dreams do come true when you believe enough.

Do you YM, people? I do.

Add me up if you feel like it.

azhanee.othman@yahoo.com

Sebab unless you are God -

Cikgu dengan pendidik. Kadang-kadang dua perkataan ni macam sama makna. Most of the times, tak. Kerapkali orang samakan dua perkataan ni, intentionally. Tapi most of the times sebenarnya sebab mereka tak tahu beza. Bagi aku senang saja. Bukan semua cikgu itu pendidik. Bukan semua pendidik itu cikgu. Tapi cikgu ada dua jenis yang utama - yang layak dihormati dan yang tak perlu dihormati. Pendidik - wajib dihormati. Ini aku dan cara aku melihat dunia. Radikal? Semua orang ada persepsi. Engkau pun.

Besar sebenarnya makna pendidik. Hampir sebesar makna 'Ibu'. Hampir. Dan aku mahu jadi pendidik. Aku sedang cuba berperangai seperti pendidik, berfikir seperti pendidik, bekerja seperti pendidik dan menyayangi seperti pendidik. Mendidik seperti pendidik - aku yakin aku boleh. Sebab aku pakai kasut pelajar-pelajar aku 18 jam sehari. 6 jam lagi aku tidur. Betul. Sebab tu aku cool. Engkau cool?

Anyway. Aunty Zuraidah. Emak ex-student aku - Salleh. Aunty kata, 'Your mum memanglah, semangat cikgu dia memang lain. Hidup mati dia memang dengan budak.' Yang itu aku dah lama perasan. Sebab itu aku pun macam tu. Dan menjadi serupa itu buat aku proud dengan diri sendiri. Dengan mak aku.

3 tahun mengajar, aku bangga mengaku yang aku tidak pernah menyalahkan budak bila-bila pun yang mereka tak memenuhi expectation - akademik atau sahsiah. Nama pun budak sekolah. Kalau dah semua benda mereka boleh fikir, mereka tak perlu datang sekolah. Kalau semua benda yang baik mereka tahu buat, baik mereka yang jadi cikgu.

Expectation aku tinggi. Macam Cinderella nak kawen anak raja. 'Dapat E ni trial je, Affiq. Kita pulun untuk SPM. Teacher tolong. Allah SWT mesti tolong.' Result SPM keluar hari tu, Affiq dapat A. Sumpah. Maka aku masih memandang rendah pada blogger teachers yang pernah view aku sebagai over-ambitious, unrealistic, and lucky (sebab mengajar di MRSM). Aku bukan menyombong - tu result Affiq, bukan result aku (result aku lagi best, OK?). Tapi aku membangga diri sebab aku jadi pendidik bila aku tak putus asa dengan pelajar-pelajar aku walaupun mereka sendiri dah tak tahu macam mana nak berharap. Aku jadi pendidik bila aku tak terima yang some students are meant to fail - unlike some blogger teachers. Aku jadi pendidik bila aku tak view pelajar-pelajar aku sebagai lemah, tapi sebagai amanah. Aku jadi pendidik bila aku degil beyond reason tak mahu jadi bangsat yang suka keluarkan statement, 'Asalkan lulus cukuplah.' Sebab aku jadi pendidik bila aku percaya yang SEMUA ORANG BERHAK DAPAT KEJAYAAN.

Pada students yang cikgu-cikgu mereka selalu merengek macam ini, 'Students aku lemah wei. Ni memang hakikat. Realistik kalau aku tak harap diorang dapat A. Janji lulus,' aku memang kesian la. Sebab aku tak tau why the hell is it so UNREALISTIC FOR EVERYONE to be SUCCESSFUL? Aku tak boleh comprehend that level of mental retardation. Serius.

Jadi aku akan live with this,

Budak-budak sentiasa betul. It's how the world works. I've been in school myself. Once as one of them. Now as one of us (teachers). If they're not achieving what they should, it's our fault. If they're not behaving the way they should, it's our fault. Sebab unless you are God, they are at the receiving end and we aren't delivering enough - you can never change that fact. Never. So yes, kids are always right. And that's exactly the insane belief that's been keeping me sane as a teacher. It's what keeping me going. 

Pada engkau mungkin statement aku gila. Mungkin aku memang gila sebab buat pernyataan serupa itu. But then again, all the best people are. Dan itu orang macam engkau memang takkan dapat rasa.

As alive as you are

I am.

But I'm busy. New dasar. And lots of things to do OMG.

I'll still be around, though.

Just so you know - even the knights of Camelot would have trouble fending off attacks from two ends.

Once Walked with Gods.

Ever read a book that makes you angry from the first page to the last? I didn't even think such a book exists. But really I was so angry the moment the story began. And it didn't really wear off even long after the last page was turned. The anger. The effect it had on me was rather disturbing. The almost dead glimmer of hope. And it had left me addicted.

Betrayal. One of the most common words found in fantasy adventure writings. There's Peter Pettigrew in the Harry Potter books, Grima Wormtongue in the LOTR trilogy, Luke in the Percy Jackson series, Jeb in the Maximum Ride books - you name them. They are everywhere, these spineless backstabbers, and they do the most ridiculously terrible things to the people who offered them the highest form of gratitude for their fake friendship - trust. And these wretched creatures don't know guilt. They never do.

Peter was a friend of Harry's parents. Wormtongue was supposed to be an advisor to the King of Rohan. Luke was one of Percy's very first friends. Jeb was almost a parent to the flock of bird kids. You'll find one rotten backstabber in each of the series. One. And that would be bad enough. The damage. The number of people affected by one person's disloyalty. And the price these people had to pay for the existence of one dishonest soul. I'd been through all the said series. More than once. Makes me sick every time.

But then I came across Barclay's Elves Once Walked With Gods. It's a present from one of my ex-students, Khairul Fadlyshah. I wondered what made him choose the book for me. I heard that he hadn't read it yet, but I don't really mind. I just want him to know that his getting it as a gift for me was one of the best things that has ever happened to me since I became a teacher three years ago. I am overwhelmed. Pleasantly surprised at his choice of gift. So Che Pa, if you're reading this, thank you. This is definitely one of the best presents I'd ever received. I mean it.

Right. Barclay. I wasn't familiar with the name. But boy he writes betrayal unlike anybody else I'd ever read. It's definitely a frighteningly new level of murdering your friends, sacrificing your families, destroying your country and turning away from your religions. Yes, religions. You won't find a shapeshifter offering valuable information to a Dark Lord, a power hungry advisor who slow-kills a king, a friend trying to kill another friend or a pretend dad running sick experiments on his kids. No. But I'll tell you one thing, one thing for sure - Lord Voldemort is just a pitiful orphan next to the backstabbing murderer-bastards in Barclay's Elves book 1. One pitiful orphan who lacks love. That's all.

Because the betrayals in Calaius were conducted by the people of the highest positions in the country and the religions they live by. Not one selfish elf. Not one insane man. They are leaders, and priests. People who claimed to serve their country and God. High priests of the elven gods bringing bloodthirsty men into their temples, killing their own kind without a second's thought. A parliament speaker trying to publicly rape a female elf and at the same time offering her to the crowd of males to be dealt with however they wished to. A young warrior bled to death by castration, removals of his nose, ears, nipples and eyelids and hundreds of cuts all over his body - no part was left not bleeding. No part. When Methian and Pelyn found Jakyn in such state, I nearly vomited. I cried. I consider myself a vast reader - quite. But that was an entirely new thing for me - ceremonial murder of that kind. Forty elves were sliced at their bellies and laid along the border of the city, their eyelids removed, an insane torture under the blistering sun and not being able to close their eyes, their spilled insides being eaten away by stray animals while they were still alive. More than a thousand elves were burnt alive inside a temple. There was no where to run. And around twenty thousand more died needlessly in the great escape. Massacres. Everywhere. The realistically gory details - crazy isn't it? But those were just some of the heartbreaking parts in book 1. Some.

I had my hopes crushed over and over again as I read, what with the lord of the Al-Arynaar being half sane and the elite warriors (TaiGethen) reduced to such a hopeless number. Throughout the story I was like, 'Macam mana depa nak menang ni!? Buleh ka menang ni!?' Translation: How the hell are they gonna win!? Can they actually win!? Men had magic while the elves didn't. Men had magic. Seriously, I was going to murder someone for that. And my understanding sister helped to retain my sanity by repeating, 'Mesti buleh punya. Depa kan Once Walked With Gods?' Translation: I'm sure they can, they once walked with gods, remember? every time I lost myself screaming, 'Buleh ka ni!?' Translation: Is it (winning) really possible!? Sigh. It had been one hell of a read. Honestly, my journey towards the end of the book would be something I'll remember for a long time, that I am sure of.

And Barclay. Smart, smart Barclay. Amidst the maddening screams of fear, deaths of friends and families, fountains and pools of blood and roars of fire in the final battle for escape, he hinted to the readers about the awakening of an ancient elven gift that had been lying dormant for thousands of years within the long-living race. A hint that brought hope to crushed readers like me. Because Lord Takaar, half sane Takaar - as he was escaping with the other elves - suddenly placed a hand on the head of a pursuing mage and that burnt the man screaming to his death without his casting a spell. *gasp, sh*t OMG yay!* So obviously I was like, 'You fucktards (mages) think you have magic?' Haha. 'Think again.' Like a boss, Takaar. Totally. And then the book ended. *a happy face and a torrent of expletives* No, seriously.

This is a very good book, my friends. You guys should definitely get it. Or get someone to get it for you as a gift. The language, syntax and vocabulary are of a new league to me. Made me realize that I haven't been reading enough. A shame I'm quite proud of. So I ordered the second book in the series - Rise of the TaiGethen. Crazy excited, man. Hehe. The third book will come out next year.

OMG. Feels great to have a book to look forward to. Been a while since my last book spasm, hasn't it?

Now. Sorry I'd been away for quite a while. I didn't think I'd be missed. *winks*

So how do you guys like my comeback?

Megi saves the world.

‘Teacher, is it true that the world is going to end this year?’ he asked.  Indian and highly inquisitive. I guess 2012 is still a scary set of number for some people. Then I turned to him to offer him the best answer I could come up with – nobody knows when the world is going to end, we will do our very best to be really good people as long as we live. But someone else did a better a job before I could do mine. The boy next to him. He was wise. Way beyond his age.

‘Wei, megi aku pun expire 2013 kot. Lek ah.’

And laughter was everywhere.

Was I stunned?

You bet.

Yeah. I really love my job.

Oh. They’re 13-year-old kids. Biologically protected by the honesty gene. And innocence.

Looks like the world will last another year thanks to megi.

***

Hehe. How are you guys doing?

13 happy suicides.

Arthur: I've never heard so much rubbish in my entire life.

Merlin: Are you calling Gaius a liar?

Arthur: No, I'm calling you an idiot.

Merlin: What's that, then?

Merlin, Season 4, Episode 13 - The Sword in the Stone (Part Two)

I'd call it a series of happy suicides. I've waited for this particular season for almost a century now, (in my besotted mind) and to be able to finish all 13 episodes in 2 days should keep me sane for another year. In my humble opinion, season 3 is still by far the best of all but a lot of people may disagree. But it's really just an opinion, OK? Let's not cross swords because of this. We Merlinians/Merlinknights (whichever you prefer) should stick together.

Now season 4. Hm. There were moments in which I was like, 'Argh bencinya! I can't watch this anymore!' but I still watched them. Sick. There were lots of those moments in this season it almost drove me mad. Like when Lancelot's Shade came back and when Arthur was to marry another woman. I was like, 'I can't watch this!!' But it had been great, the whole season. Really. Arthur is still the hottest damn thing to have ever graced the TV screen (nobody is allowed to disagree, and if you do, we're no longer friends) - golden hair and blue eyes, uneven front teeth and British, bullying Merlin and wielding the Excalibur - I have to re-watch this. I seriously have to. Gwen is so pretty - the hair, the dress and the character development - and her intelligence is now more visible. More like a queen now she is. Then there is Morgana, gorgeous, gorgeous Morgana - now more powerful than before, better makeup - although it looks sweet rather than evil, and better dressed but not just not evil enough. Her lines could be so much better, so much more heartless and she should have hotter guys running after her too, but then again, if everyone gets the limelight...yeah, just what I thought. And Merlin. Merlin is just adorable. Speaks dragon like a boss. Doing magic like the biggest boss of all - eyes ablazed and all that magical jazz. You guys should have seen the scene when he was running in the woods and summoning Kilgarrah at the same time it was so incredibly sexy I thought I'd mentally die. But then again, multilingual guys are always sexy. So yeah. I kind of mentally died.

Anyway. Arthur and Guinevere finally got married (I'm so happy!) - as this version of Arthurian legend has been completely, beautifully messed up. Lancelot sort of died so I guess nobody would ever come between Arthur and Gwen like what happened in the original version, (I was so worried for the last three seasons, because if this version of Guinevere is still going to leave this particular version of Arthur for a Lancelot, then I don't wanna live on this planet anymore), Tristan and Isolde were smugglers (hell) and there's now a white dragon named Aithusa whose wings looked rather poorly designed. The producers should do something about it. Because I could have done better. No seriously. Now I'll ramble a little on my disappointments. Killing off Lancelot? Come on. He's freaking half the drama of the whole Arthurian legend! Lancelot shouldn't have died! He'd been such a wonderful friend for Merlin, the best so far, I'd even say he's a much better friend than Arthur is - knowing and keeping his cool secrets and being so kind to him at all times and everything else. He's the bravest, the most noble of all the knights of the round table, the best. And he'd already suffered enough emotional damage having the love of his life understandably falling in love with the inhumanely hot Prince (now King) Arthur. He deserved a character upgrade, people, not death! Like new gadgets and stuff. Merlin has magic and a dragon, Arthur has the Excalibur, Gwaine has the hairstyle of the century, and you know - this is Lancelot I'm talking about. If Merlin can keep growing silver hair and beard like it's nobody's business, Lancelot should have a girlfriend! He should be happy. He deserves to be. Man. And then there's a Lancelot comeback stage as a Shade with the stupid bracelet and a little making out with Gwen which drove Arthur mad enough to banish his future queen from Camelot and the series ended with Arthur still not knowing that Gwen was innocent. All these small but irritating unresolved matters just drive me crazy. Someone should tell Arthur that Gwen had always been loyal to him. He really needs to know that. And I don't hate Morgana, I just think that she should have caused more trouble if she really was planning to be the major bad guy in this show. She should also stop freaking out about Emrys. It's like she can't do a thing without Morgause. And oh, I hate Lamia. The b*tch. Glad she died a horrible death.

So, drawing the Excalibur out of the stone could be a lot better. But I was like, 'This is it. Cool as hell,' anyway. And the fighting scenes in the palace. Awesomeness. Definitely better than the last three seasons. But why Isolde had to die like that, I don't wanna know. My heart broke when she closed her eyes in Tristan's arms. It was so unnecessary but I guess things should really get out of hand when men negotiate matters using blades instead of heads. My eyes were slightly damp. It was sad. But the whole series was worth the painful wait. Everything in it. So much had happened. Good or bad. So this could be the best retelling of the legend, ever. I can only wait, breathless as I do, for another mental century for the next season, hoping that it would be great just like the previous four.

I could have rambled for another ten miles but I need to get back to work. The Northern Zone Language Week is coming in two months and I have a thespian fraternity to run, a drama team to train, books to read and a life to live. I'll be back soon to talk to you guys. I'm just sorry that I don't write so often anymore these days. But you guys know I won't stop, right? Hehe. Later then.

Rueing.

I think it was ten years ago when I first heard the saying, 'We never know what we got till it's gone.' I don't think that's the case though. I think we do know what we got. We just never thought we'd lose it.